My second post on this blog was about getting motivated when you are overwhelmed. It was written and posted as a kind of experiment to try to figure out what I wanted this blog to be. I mention it now because, though my personal life and last month’s crazy month has settled down some – I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed about what to do with this blog.
It’s not that I don’t know what to write about. Quite the opposite actually. I want to say too many things. Things I’m afraid that no one will want to hear about. Things that I worry would just bore or annoy or I would be unable to properly convey. I seriously think of blog topics all.the.time. But that doesn’t mean that I should write out my every thought into this thing. Or does it?
Well, and I mean, I also have a job and some kids and other things going on in my life, so I don’t really have time to write my every thought anyways.
But then, what do I write in this blog about?
When I began this blog, I left things a bit open-ended, and hoped that that the blog’s direction would flow and develop organically. But see, our life has gone several directions since I started this blog in February, and I’m not sure if the original intention is the same as I’ve been letting it become. What I do know is what I want it to be for me right now. And what I want right now is an outlet. A place where I can have a voice…just in case anyone cares to listen. Perhaps I’ll be more than this one day, but for this current moment in my life, this is what I need from this blog.
On Saturday, KP and I went on a date. First, to some cool downtown L.A. restaurant, Plan Check, and second, to some cool West Hollywood bar, Harlowe for a birthday party for some friends of KPs. KP and I had been married for 6 yrs. before we had kids, so we’ve spent plenty of time at bars and restaurants for get togethers just the two of us. But now, with two kids and working from home, it’d been a great while since I’d gone anywhere in this city that’s considered “cool”. I used to go to these things all the time, filled with KP’s industry friends, and keep fairly quiet (and be slightly bored). I never had anything to contribute to conversations about industry stuff, and since I was married, it’s not like I was looking to strike up a conversation with a guy, nor were most females truly interested in anything I had to say. I mean, I wasn’t exactly like most of the other girls; I was married and boring and a teacher and we had nothing really in common. I’m not offended by saying any of this, it’s just the way it was and I accept that. I never really liked the bar/party scene, but we did it because, well, what else was there to do before kids?
But this Saturday night, now with kids and on a rare date night without them, was fun though.
A) The bar scene is just funny to me now. Apparently, we were at a cool, hip bar. Being cool and hip is one of my last worries in this world now. Being there, I did not feel a sense of longing to return to a previous carefree existence (i.e. without kids), but instead, I felt a bit of humor and sadness that so many other people there no doubt felt that being at that bar was important and made them cool. I’ve learned now that there are so many other amazing things in life, like, um, hanging out with my husband and kids, that I felt bad that most everyone else at the bar did not yet know that joy yet. There is so much more depth to life that most of them do not yet know.
B) For the first time in forever (um, and yeah, I just sang that in my mind, a la Frozen) I didn’t care what anyone thought of me and I just talked and was me. I’m pretty sure that I said something to one guy, who I guess sometimes plays poker with KP and maybe I’ve met before but don’t remember, and who is apparently a newlywed, something along the lines of that I was glad at discovering his wife was only 29 instead of 37 like him when he told me they were going to wait a bit before thinking about having kids, so that they’d have a little more time on their hands. Does it show that I’ve spent a lot of time over the past several years on women’s message boards about trying-to-concieve issues and not talking to people in person? It does? Oh well. Hey, our biological clock is a real thing afterall. Yeah, maybe not socially gracious to mention it, but eh, oh well. I don’t get out much ok? 🙂
What’s great is that unlike previous times in my life, I’m not beating myself up over saying stupid things. Usually I get embarrassed and stay embarrassed for weeks after saying something stupid. But now? Whatever. If someone holds a grudge against me for something dumb like that, then eh, so be it. There are so many other worse things in life that could happen to me.
C) For the past couple years, I’ve developed a thing for saving money and buying used clothes (I should write about my recent experience with ThreadUP), and the dress that I wore Saturday was one of my garage sale finds. Well, it was actually from a fundraiser sale that sold off donated props and wardrobe from Nickelodeon shows, and I don’t know if the dress had ever even been worn. But it was Juicy Couture dress (ooh, look at me, wearing fancy brand names!) and I paid $7. I consider it one of my garage sale finds. It’s probably a bit too young for me, and the skirt a little shorter on me than I typically like and is probably from a few seasons ago (oh, look, I found a pic of someone wearing the dress here), but I wore it anyways. And I got TWO compliments on it, from cool L.A. people! Me! The person who never leaves my house and never dresses up anymore! The person who doesn’t really care about the cool and hip things in life anymore. I wore the dress for KP, because I knew he’d like it, and not for anyone else. So um, yeah, compliments are nice.
ALTHOUGH, when we got to the bar, the bouncer checked the IDs of the people in front of us, but as we pulled out our IDs to show them, he just waved us through without checking. Which has never happened before so obviously and very officially made me feel old.
So maybe I wasn’t really getting complimented on my dress afterall, but instead being slyly and sarcastically told that I was too old to wear the dress, ha ha. Or maybe it was because I was actually wearing something that had color to it instead of the usual black and gray and brown that everyone else typically wears at these things.
If so, oh well, that’s life. I had more important things (two sweet sleeping things to be exact) waiting at home for me than at the bar anyway. 🙂
Maybe I don’t need to be cool. Just content.
Maybe that’s how I need to feel about my blog too.
(oh and hey, look, there was an unintentional, yet fitting, play on words there. Content and content. Yes, I’ll take both please.)