A week ago, I had a blog post mentally drafted up. I was feeling optimistic and energetic about the new year. I felt like a leaf was turning for us, and for me. I had new things to accomplish, and though it would be work and busy, I was determined to find a way to make it work.
A few weeks ago, I’d found and joined a local “Momtrepreneur” facebook group. I was intrigued by the idea of meeting with other moms also trying to juggle motherhood and other endeavors, and with both this blog and with my invention, I figured it’d be nice to have some motivation and accountability in achieving my goals. So I joined and last Wed. 1/7, I packed up the kids and my sometimes-anti-social-butt and went to the first meeting. The kids played in the backyard while the 10-12 of us moms sat on the back porch talking, getting to know each other, and brainstorming ways to grow our businesses.
I left the meeting happy and energized. Finally! I was with other moms who understand the struggle, not just of being a work-from-home-mom, but also of the constant pull to be both the kind of devoted moms (and wives) we want to be while somehow still nourishing our own individuality and pursuing our own personal goals.
Then I went home and began reading this book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (affiliate link), since the school I work at offered a bonus stipend to teachers who read it over Christmas break. Though in full disclosure I thought the second two-thirds of the book overly repetitive and was only “eh” on the book overall – I really enjoyed the first chapter or two and it helped fuel the day’s feelings of excitement and optimism. I was feeling VERY good about all the things I want to accomplish in 2015. It was going to be hard, but I was going to be organized and I was going to get it done.
2014 had been for Scatterbrained Ronni. 2015 would be for Awesome, Organized, Totally “With-It” Ronni!
Ha. Moral of the story, as you’re about to see, is: As soon as you think you’ve figured out life, life will figure out something else instead.
Thursday I got hit with either bad allergies or a cold. Or both. But exhaustion. Everything I had hoped and wanted to accomplish on the last couple days of break before going back to work did not happen.
Friday my parents and sister flew into town. We drove down to the O.C. (Orange Country, the more suburban, nicer, and openly-spaced county south of L.A., for those of you not from here) for my grandmother’s 80th birthday weekend celebration. It was a great weekend, but a busy one. Maybe because we were in an unfamiliar hotel room, or maybe because S was teething, or maybe because they were also coming down with something, but whatever it was, my kids did not sleep well, which meant that KP and I did not sleep well.
And then it was Monday and I was back to work and I had not accomplished ANY. THING. AT. ALL. that I had planned to accomplish over the break to help me feel more prepared for the new semester.
And C had woken up with a fever. So I had to cancel the babysitter. And watch the kids at home by myself. And get back into work.
I’m not gonna lie. I had a tiny mental breakdown on Monday. So much for the new year and being more organized and together and saying goodbye to scatterbrained Ronni.
Working and having kids around is hard, hard, hard. Very hard. It’s hard because you cannot focus. On either work or your kids. You’re only half-present in anything that you do. Or if you do manage to focus one for a bit, it’s at the expense of tuning out the other. But both things are important. You can’t just ignore your kids, and and you can’t just not work and still get that money you need to live on. So you’re trapped into being two things simultaneously, yet you don’t really feel like you do justice to either.
Today was preschool day and though she no longer had a fever, C didn’t want to go and said she’d rather stay home and take a nap. Which is not like her and odd, so I trusted her and let her stay home. And then Baby S started getting feverish and congested. So the babysitter won’t be coming tomorrow either, and I won’t be going to tomorrow’s “Momtrepreneur” weekly meeting.
The first three days back to work. No reprieve. No childcare. So much for all the awesome, organized things I was going to accomplish as the new 2015 Awesome, Organized, Ronni.
I’m still optimistic though. Just a bit more realistic than I was a week ago. But there really are still quite a few things this year that I think are coming and that I’m excited for and want to be open for. I don’t know how I’m going to do all this. I’m overwhelmed. But I’ve got to manage as I don’t think I can run from anything right now, nor can any of these things really be pushed to a back burner.
I could give up blogging to free up more time for other things – but I NEED this blog. I NEED this sanity saver. I NEED this outlet as a reminder of a girl I used to be and I mind I used to have. I like to pretend that this blog will some day, one day, house thoughts I once had more eloquent ways of expressing rather than the jumbled up, rambling diatribes that I now present while currently living as Scatterbrained Ronni.
I could give up working on my invention – but I only have until the beginning of July to file a full utility patent, and that’s going to cost quite a bit, and be a TON of work and I need to figure out NOW whether or not it’s even going to be worth it or not for me to pursue. I can’t wait on this.
I could give up my job – oh wait, I can’t. We still rely on that money to live.
So for the time being, I’m doing it all. I know this is just a season of life and will someday be over and I’ll have a new direction and can eventually taper the other things off. But for now, in this moment, I must endure the best I can. I hope I can get this all under control and I hope I will not be Scatterbrained Ronni forever.
And now I must get back to work, the one that pays the bills. It’s only 10:56pm. Plenty of time left in the day, right?
Is it too late for coffee?