I’m starting a blog series called “Rambling Ronni”. Here’s the first one. Yes, I ramble the whole time. It’s probably not an easy post to read. You don’t even have to read it and I’ll be ok. But you can read it if you enjoy these types of things, in which case, enjoy! 🙂
A little over a week ago, I started writing my very own script. Kind of excited about it, it’s something that only I could write, lol, and fits my personality and who I am exactly…and is something that just needs to be written. I’m like 10 pages into the first draft, but the majority of the whole thing is already structured and outlined in my head. I just have to do it.
So Fri. night, I stumble upon this event taking place the next day at a coworking space I’ve been to before. About moms working in the entertainment industry. And I think – hmm… I know I don’t really work in the biz myself anymore…well, I mean, I guess I sort of kind of might (afterall, I do have a script floating around out there right now with mine and KP’s name on it)…BUT, here I am writing my OWN script now. I need to like, be legit, and get myself out there!
Plus, I am a mom, and I’ve even got a physical acknowledgement of a ‘yeah-pretty-sure-that’s-pregnant-and-not-fat’ belly going on here to even further solidify myself into the “mom w/experience club”. So I figure I could force myself to go, sit quietly in the back, and just once again soak in the environment of feeling like a “professional” in this industry. All by myself.
So I went.
And it was cool.
And I left being all inspired, like, heck yeah, I can do this! I’m not gonna let motherhood slow me down. I can still have my own grandiose aspirations even though I’m about to pop out another newborn here in a few months!
But of course, yes, it all WILL inevitably slow me down some, because realistically, the physical reality of things is that I have a harder few months ahead of me before it becomes easier again…sigh. I miss those naive days of my first pregnancy where I thought I’d still be able to do it all in the latter stages of pregnancy and infant days. Now I’m a triple multigravida…and of advanced maternal age to boot. Way older and wiser than I should be telling myself a fantasy to make myself feel better.
I keep going through stages where I’m all, I should make my blog like a for real thing. Like as a legit side job. Where I could maybe even earn enough to you know, pay for some childcare and time off during the week so I could write more. Which would allow me to make even more money. And then everything would be so awesome.
But then I look around at all the blogs I like to actually spend time reading. And all the blogs that are actually making money as a job. And I just…I just can’t bring myself to do it the way all the other bloggers do. I don’t want to be fake. I realize that with public blogging comes a certain comfortability with putting yourself out there. And it’s something I’ve accepted. I’m ok being honest.
I’m ok having occasional, or regular, imperfect posts. Where my word count is waaaay too long, where I don’t have enough images and they aren’t formatted sharing across all social media platforms, where I’m not easy to read and easily digestible in the 30 seconds an average person will give this post a look over for.
Basically, I think I suck at blogging – at least the way everyone else says it has to be done. But I’m still going to blog.
Because I can’t not write.
And I miss the olden days of blogging. A decade or more ago. When people read what you had to say because they wanted to keep up with you. Wanted to hear your thoughts. Got to know you as a person. It’s how we all stayed in touch and felt connected to each other.
And now I just struggle to feel relevant.
I get on facebook so I can know what’s going on in the world, and instead of feeling connected to humanity, I feel mentally attacked by it all! I feel lucky in a way to have a mixed newsfeed and get to see things shared from various perspectives so that I’m forced to be kept open-minded – but ahhhh!!!! I’m someone who wants to think deeply about every.single.little.thing and facebook is totally overwhelming to me because I want to care about and respond to and contemplate EVERYTHING I see. But I cant. I just cant. And it pains me so much to not be able to know everything. To not have a beautifully written and enlightening response to all the matters of the world right now.
When I was in college, I held an elected position in student government. We had to vote on and make decisions about things like where student activity money should be allocated. During weekly meetings we’d debate proposals and sometimes there’d be heated tensions. Usually the freshman thought money should be spent differently than the seniors did. Sometimes the school newspaper would print an opinion piece about how they disagreed with how a vote had gone.
Reading those disagreeing articles taught me an interesting lesson that’s stayed with me through life. Especially when they were written by someone who hadn’t been at the school as long as I had, or hadn’t been part of student government before, or who didn’t really understood the issue as well and as in-depth as I did before I voted on it.
KP and I watched the movie Snowden the other night. Here’s what I loved about it. As much as it was a political movie, it wasn’t a politically divisive movie. It smartly pointed out that the same things were happening under both Republican and Democrat leaderships. That there’s way more to the underbelly of how government works than the majority of us are able to see and understand. (Not saying these things are right of course! Just that in order to affect real change, someone has to understand issues from the inside and choose to make a stand for what’s good…like Edward Snowden did in the movie)
And so when I read all these facebook postings from all different perspectives, my mind goes haywire sometimes because things are never simple enough to be explained in a photo and two lines of text that are all most people see before deciding whether or not to share an article on facebook and perpetuate an idea.
I just…I just don’t have answers to everything either.
But I try to absorb, and learn, and discover, in the midst of all this, the truth.
A year or two ago, I was chatting with a mom with a kid my daughter’s age and we were talking about the internet and how the world will be so different for our kids. The other mom mentioned something about how wonderful it will be that our children are able to so easily find out information and learn whatever they want to online.
But I (because I don’t know,
maybe I’m weird, but I sometimes often suck at making non-awkward small talk, lol) answered that I thought it was going to make things so much harder for our kids – with so much information out there, how will they be able to know what’s actually the truth?
And I see this happening already. Even adults struggle to find truth in our information-overload constant media onslaught as well.
How do we know what what is truth?
Sigh…I’m going off on too deep of tangents here, aren’t I?
Ok, I’ve got to stop. I’m going to lose everyone here soon…if anyone (which I seriously doubt) is even still reading this far.
But as a previous math (and briefly logic) teacher here…somehow…somehow…I want to reach out, to educate, to help others, to help us all…understand better. Think better. So that the world is less confusing to everyone.
And to me.
Which is why I write. And why my blog will never be a typical blog. And why I probably will always be a bit awkward.
But I do like forcing my unstructured thoughts into the structure of a story and why I kind of dig this screenwriting thing. It’s a challenge for me for sure, but a stimulating one. I shall continue hoping that one day something becomes of it and I can accomplish something more for the world than just the occasional awkward blog post such as this. 🙂