I think too much.

More than it seems that other people do. I’m not sure of course; there’s no way to measure such things.

I think too much about things that I cannot affect. That have no bearing on the practicalities of my everyday normal life.

I care too much. Which is probably why it seems like I don’t care about a lot of other things. I can only dole out so much care at a time. I tend to hyperfocus on specific concerns at a time, oblivious to anything else that’s going on. I can’t take it all in at all times. Whenever I try, I become directionless.

So I try to stick to the big things. Or at least the things that seem the biggest…even if they seem the smallest to others.

I often don’t understand why others don’t seem to care about, or care as passionately about, something that I do. I see small wrongs that bother me, wrongs that could be righted, that I feel compelled, on principle, to try to right. But most everyone else glosses over them, instead fixated on these BIG issues they read in the news and can collectively get embroiled about.

I’m weird I guess. Feeling helpless to the seemingly BIG stuff most people wrap themselves up in, I prefer to look at the seemingly smaller things that I can actually have a direct effect on.

Isn’t that the only thing we can ever really do? Whatever we can with what’ve got and from where we are?

Big things are comprised of many smaller things. Shouldn’t we focus on the small things first if we want to change the big things?

But then again….I say all this and – I about the big things too. And I get overwhelmed with the potential of all the small things that I can’t reach. I can only be me. I can only do what I can do.

Maybe it’s better to be like everyone else. Maybe it’s better to only care about the big things that everyone else cares about. Maybe for most people it’s less about caring about whatever the big thing is — maybe it’s more about being part of a community of others all caring about something together.

I can’t seem to be like everyone else.

All we ultimately have in this life is this life. Not what we accomplish with it, but what we do with it.  Our daily choices. Do we seek out the good, whatever that may be? Do we choose our actions by what we should do? Or what we want to do?

I don’t have all the answers, but I’d like to think that at least I try to make the right choices. I’m not saying that there’s any kind of judgement that comes after this life because who knows what really happens. But it’s nice to think that somehow, someday, after we pass on – that there’s some kind of recognition for it all. Acknowledgment. Awareness. A basis to our ethics and morality.

Or maybe there’s not. I really don’t know. But I accept the notion of higher knowledge. I accept the highest discoveries uncovered in science and in math. I accept that we have not yet come to the edge of knowledge, that we continue to push, search, seek.

We’re open to the idea of infinity. This is accepted as fact. We’re open to the idea of a higher physical dimensions. We’ve seen illustrations of our earth bending a web of spacetime. We know and believe and understand that there are things out there – that make perfect sense in the rational world of science – that we cannot (yet) explain.

I love thinking about time. Immersing myself in the feeling of there being an infinite number of ‘present’s. From every moment exists an infinite number of futures, and from every next moment another infinite number of next moment futures.

An infinite number of infinities. So much to comprehend.

Oh sorry. Have I lost you? Sorry. Hey, this is a ‘rambling Ronni’ post after all. 🙂

TL;DR: There’s so much out there. So much we don’t yet know. With all our currently limited knowledge it is entirely conceivable for a basis of morality to actually exist.

Sigh. Maybe I do think too much. Maybe I do care too much. Maybe other people have figured out a practical way to live and get by through life better than I have.

I don’t know. But I keep trying. After all, I have an infinite number of futures ahead of me, I might as well keeping trying to do what’s right and see which one comes to pass.

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