You know what I love about this side little blog of mine? No one reads it. It’s here. It’s public. I’m not hiding it. But it’s quiet. No one cares about it. I’m free here.
Well, I guess someone could read it.
But even if they do, I don’t care. If someone really thinks I’m interesting enough to have found and follow this blog, then cool. You’re welcome to listen to my thoughts. 🙂
Man, I have been all about internalizing and processing the complexities of humanity recently. KP and I are re-watching Breaking Bad (which I only half-paid attention to the first time around) as well as catching new episodes of Better Call Saul. Couple that with my marriage-irl website I decided to start up, and pondering the depths of some specific marriage relationship issues…and I’m over here all diving deep into human psychology.
I’m also quite possibly on the verge of an early midlife crisis (so I’m still in my 30s for a couple years still; whatever, call it what you want) and I’m an overall constant mix of emotions. My mind is swarmed with thinking. I’m trying to take in everything, EVERYTHING, as though I’m about to solve my own Theory of Everything. Which of course I’m not able to do. I’m just another person in the world. Not someone particularly educated or skilled or known for my intellectual prowess or worth listening to at all. I’m just another someone in the midst of everyone else of someones.
And I’ve lately been fighting myself not to further extend this thought out to the next step: That if I’m just someone in midst of everyone else that I might as well be no one in the midst of everyone.
I’ve always been one who seems to think more than most people around me seem to. I process things constantly. I think about things way more than they maybe need to be thought about. My mind never shuts off.
Sometimes this is good. Sometimes it’s not.
But we’re all unique and I choose to work with what I’ve got and look at things as gifts rather than curses. Thinking is who I am. Thinking is what I’ve got.
But I haven’t perfected the ability to focus my thoughts long enough to make anything productive happen from them. I’m working on this. I’m always working on this. Maybe one day I’ll figure out how to do this.
In the meantime, I can’t help but take the weight of the world on my shoulders. I want to feel it all. So I can understand it all. Even if I can’t. I’m compelled to try to. The Theory of Everything. Maybe there is such a thing. Or maybe the best we can hope for is enlightenment, whatever that is? It just seems like a journey that never ends toward something that doesn’t really exist.
My husband is awesome. Way better than I am. He cleans. He’s focused. He’s better at sucking it up and focusing his attention to where it needs to be in order to get anything done. Meanwhile, I just wallow lost in my own thoughts.
Something’s going to come out of this, right? Writer’s blocks always eventually end with a prolific and inspiring outpouring of creative thought, right?
I guess we’ll see.
So far this post has not been the metal laxative that I’d hoped it would.
But I guess we’ll see.