Ok, no not really. I just figured the title would catch your attention. Did it? Wellll, ok, maybe I do suppose there’s a little bit of truth in the statement. I DO sometimes hate what blogging has done to me. I LOVE having this blog as an outlet, but I also hate how much time I spend on this thing (and no, in case you were wondering, I don’t make any money from this. Ok, I got $40 in Amazon credit from affiliate links from that one and only post of mine that went “viral”, but I’ve spent more than that just to keep up this hobby, so no, overall, I’ve made no money).
What I dislike about having this blog is that I STILL struggle with what to write in here. When I first started, I just started writing and figured I’d eventually find my way. I figured I’d eventually settle on a blogging identity for myself within the blogging world. But here I am, 14 months later, and still not always sure what I’m doing here.
Originally, I began this blog to have an outlet during a difficult time of life. I’m keeping it up because it gives me a chance to have a voice, however small that voice may be. I’m ok being that tree in the forest you didn’t hear – as long somewhere I exist.
I began writing privately online in 2001. I started a “friends & family” type blog in 2007. And then I opened it all up with this current public blog in 2014. So, though I’m not at all new to the idea of sharing my thoughts where others could read, this Screenwriter’s Wife blog is completely different than things I’ve written in the past. My other writings, while technically “public”, were meant to be shown to small familiar audiences only. This blog is Out There. In the Public Sphere. I tell people about it. I invite strangers to read. Heck, I just recently gave the entire world a tour of my less-than-perfect house.
But I’m also married. And care about my husband. And my husband works in a world where your image is extremely important (quick plug for Todd Farmer’s recent From Hollywood to Homeless article, just because I thought it was awesome) and putting a blog out there and sharing personal details about your life is more than just scary – it has the potential of going very wrong. Especially in this industry.
Especially if you’re someone like me.
Guys, I’m not funny. I’ll admit that. My husband is the funny one of our family. I don’t alllways love his jokes and they are
sometimes often too off-color for me. But I love him and other people like his jokes. So that’s ok, and I let him tell them still. 🙂
So I’m not very good at blogging in this Hollywood world. I’m not super sarcastic. I’m not biting. I’m not bitter. I hardly ever exaggerate. I’m not even very punny, though I do like puns. I don’t know how to write in that way…though it’s the way that most people out here write and talk and live.
We were at a birthday party this past weekend and I was briefly talking to one of the other dads there and helping him find his daughter’s lost shoes. I saw some shoes, pointed to them, and said something along the lines of “Are those two shoes hers?” He responded, deadpan, “Well, except for the one for her third foot”. When people say things like this, when I’m not expecting it and haven’t yet switched on the ‘sarcasm-detector’ in my head, I have a moment of puzzlement in my brain before figuring out what was meant and how to respond. And this puzzlement shows on my face – and it showed to this guy.
“Oh, ha ha”, I said after a moment and just kind of fake smiled, realizing that that was some kind of joke even though I still didn’t really understand the humor. But then I felt all awkward. So I apologized to him (which probably just made things more awkward) and told him that I tend to sometimes be too literal and it takes me a moment for me to catch on. And then I tried to get away from the conversation.
This is why I don’t really have friends. I’m a nice person, I swear I am! I’m just horribly awkward. I try, though. I really, really do. 🙂
My dad is an incredibly logical guy. My mom is an incredibly emotional woman. How they originally got together and have stayed married for 35 years, I have no idea (just kidding Mom and Dad! Thank you for being a good example of marriage for us kids!). But when it boils down to it, I think this is where all my problems come from.
I am constantly battling two sides of my brain. Always trying to find the common ground between logic and emotion. I am both right brained and left brained; I can go back and forth depending on what a particular situation calls for. I am also an ambivert, both introverted and extroverted. They say your Myers-Briggs personality types aren’t supposed to change. Mine do, depending on when I’ve taken the test. Not drastically (don’t diagnose me with a personality disorder, please :)), but I can either be either ‘E’ or ‘I’.
Back to my original point – the greatest fear in originally starting this blog was that of confidentially. While I’m a pretty open person (anyone remember that lie detector reality game show, The Moment of Truth? True story: I was was a finalist and almost on it), image is important in the entertainment world, and I certainly would never want to say or do anything that in some way could ever cast a shadow on my husband’s potential career. Additionally, I also have to respect all the people that I currently know, ever have known, or ever will know who are traveling up or down the “celebrity ladder”.
I want to talk about the entertainment world. About raising a family here. About hoping to “make it” here. You know, all my original goals for this blog. But there are some things that I feel limited in sharing too, out of respect for others, and for this industry, and in fear of accidentally saying something I could eventually regret.
And I also struggle with knowing who my audience is. One one hand, I have people I know in person tell me that they’ve read my blog, or are at least aware of it – but then the people who interact with me online on facebook or by leaving comments, are completely different people with different life focuses. So I struggle with knowing how to direct the tone of this blog.
I’m attending a small local women’s blogging conference this weekend. I’m mostly attending because I want to meet people in real life who’s blogs I’ve been reading, not because I’m trying to get all super serious with my blog. But I’m nervous about it still.
I took on this blogging thing because 14 months ago I was feeling lonely and forgotten in the world and I wanted a presence somewhere. But I think blogging takes up too much of my time and my headspace. It is incredible how much focus and time it takes to write a single blog post. Way longer than it should. How long does it take other bloggers? I can sometimes work on a single post over the course of a few days, picking up bits and pieces of it here and there as I have a quiet moment for reflection during the day. Is that normal?
I should be working on my invention. Because seriously, that is a whole mind-suck too. I can’t even tell you about it right now. I spend hours and hours and hours and hours researching and thinking and tinkering and testing one thing, and then I later decide to change it up completely and all that previous work and thought and effort is pointless. And what I have right now is still so basic and crude. You’d laugh if you saw it – “THAT’s what you’ve been talking about for almost a year Ronni? That’s IT?” That’s what you’d say. But I see more in my head. This is just the beginning.
But it’s just me working on this thing. I don’t have money for consultants to do real prototyping or design. I’m tinkering with it all on my own, with materials I can research and buy online.
Oh gosh, I’ve got to get this patent application written. I’m running out of time.
I hate blogging.
But I love it.
(I should add pictures to this blog post, as yes, I know that a post without pictures is SUUUUUPER boring and it goes against all the “rules about blogging” and no one will read this post now. But adding pictures takes so much time. And I need to check on my son who’s been taking a very long nap. And pick up my daughter from preschool. And you know, do “homemaking” things, like the ebook bundle I’m giving away right now. So, screw it – no pictures for this one. I hate blogging. 🙂 )